After my dad passed away this May of Colorectal Cancer, there were so many new feelings and realizations I have confronted. And just today, I am figuring out fully that it will never heal completely, the pain, the grief, and the what seems like endless moments of sadness. But it will get better over time, just when you think you are over it, a birthday or holiday comes up, and all you can think of is, “the first one without him…” Little things like Father’s day, his birthday, and yesterday, my parent’s wedding anniversary sneak up on you and at first all they want to do is hurt you.. Though later on in the day or week or month, there are some, but not many happy feelings about that dreadful day and memories behind it you make seem bad.
That’s another thing, and it is a horrible thing too, that most memories I think of with Dad in them, I am 95% sad. I mean, shouldn’t these memories be cheering me up??? Well, I guess not. I have not bothered going to any therapists or reading any health books that were offered to me, because the great relationship I have with my family is like a 24/7 therapy session. Constant talk and helpful answers to my questions. Sometimes while talking to my friends, I have questions about their summers, their weekends, and their well, lives. And they say “I don’t know” to the most normal things I know about my life. My point is, I am recently noticing some families have very minimal communication between themselves. It is sad really, because say you are a growing teen like me, and you have some embarrassing question about boys or puberty, stuff like that. Some kids don’t have the skills, or I should rather say the urge to simply talk with their family. Maybe it is just me, but maybe less talking is normal my family talks too much, but no, to me no, communication is extremely HEALTHY!
Anyways, I feel privileged to have a family as great as I do, in what some people are telling me is the hardest and most horrible thing that will ever happen to me in my life. And I am glad and sad at the same time I can relate to others who have lost a loved one. I hope I grow up to be as accomplished, smart and loving as my dad was. I love you Dad…
Untitled August 20, 2011
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Where do you think your Dad is and does he have an influence over you other than those in memories? Don’t be too hard on yourself right now. We all are constantly growing and changing and coming to terms with past memories. It never stops unless we begin to think that we know the right answers and that means we have stopped learning. Just go with the flow. Same as for Math.. I am sure that every kid returns to school worried about Math and what they have forgotten over the summer.